When pregnancy is torture

Two weeks ago there were three pregnant women walking around my office. I was secretly envious of all of them. I'm 35, single and childless, presently in talks with my boyfriend about getting married (no ring yet), and oh so beyond ready to have a baby. As soon as Derrick pops the question, I'm making plans for a small wedding (HA...yeah right, our families are HUGE!!!) and will start working on a baby on the honeymoon (yup, you read it right). I have pregnant belly envy...BAD! I've been thinking of motherhood for years now, but in the last year or so Derrick has been getting an earful. I see a pregnant belly and I swoon. Imagine me seeing THREE of them walking around my office everyday. The sweet torture...

Well, unfortunately, now there are only two pregnant women in the office to envy. I found out late last week that one of my coworkers lost her baby...in her 6th month. The woman is really petite so her pregnancy looked very advanced. She was just starting to get that pregnant lady waddle. I hurt so much for her when I heard the news. I cried for her even though I don't know her that well. I can only imagine what she and her husband are going through. She hasn't returned to work and I'm not sure when she will return. When she does return, I don't know how she will feel seeing the other women in the office with their big bellies when her big belly is gone.

When I think of pregnancy, all I think of is the joy it brings, never the pain. Even the thought of swollen ankles, stretch marks, weight gain, back pains, and all the other uncomfortable things pregnant women talk about doesn't stop me from thinking about the beauty of pregnancy and motherhood, and how much I want it for myself. Instead I focus on the glowing skin, the bulging belly harboring a new life within, and the endless possibilities for when that child arrives.

I'm sure my coworker was thinking of that beauty as well...until she was confronted with unimaginable heartbreak. What a loss. I grieve with her.