Never satisfied
I've been up since 2:30 a.m. and it's now almost 5:00 a.m. I can't sleep....again. A bunch of stuff is flowing through my mind as it has for the past few nights. For starters, I'm thinking about how I don't want to go to work in the morning. Work is still pretty miserable. For the past month I've been interviewing and/or sending out my resume to get an interview, but so far I haven't found a position I really like.
I'm currently having "issues" with just about every aspect of my life, largely because I'm not who, what, or where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. I'm constantly struggling with being happy with where I am, but it's hard. I have a job that pays me well but is not challenging and is boring as hell. I have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me but doesn't seem to love me enough to want to get married any time soon even after 4 years of togetherness (hmm). I want a baby but I want to get MARRIED FIRST (duh!) and I couldn't now even if I wanted to because I'm taking the stupid Lupron to control my hormones. I want to get my debt under control but at the same time I want to buy new furniture, buy a new laptop (a Mac...expensive), and hell I just bought a new car! Oh and did I mention that I also want to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE. Even though four years ago I was over the moon about purchasing a townhome and becoming a new home owner, now all I can think about is how small and crowded this place has become. I want a house, specifically with a basement where I can set up a little gym. I'm too cheap to join a gym. Oh yeah that reminds me, I also want to lose the 8 pounds (and a whole lot more) of the 31 pounds I lost earlier this year. Hell, I'll never be satisfied with being overweight but why do I always want so damn much?!...sigh
I try to put things in perspective by telling myself that there are others who would love to have what I have and that I should be thankful, but it's hard when others seem to be happily living the life I want to have. I don't know why I'm always trying to keep up with the damn Joneses of the world. But no, even realizing that the grass is not always greener on the other side still doesn't stop me from always thinking, always stressing, always struggling to not want every damn thing (right now) and to just accept what I have and let the things come when they come.
I can't believe this shit is keeping me up at night! How fucking sad is that?! Ugh! I know one thing, some changes are definitely in order. I need some peace, satisfaction... and my beauty sleep. Nite!
I'm currently having "issues" with just about every aspect of my life, largely because I'm not who, what, or where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. I'm constantly struggling with being happy with where I am, but it's hard. I have a job that pays me well but is not challenging and is boring as hell. I have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me but doesn't seem to love me enough to want to get married any time soon even after 4 years of togetherness (hmm). I want a baby but I want to get MARRIED FIRST (duh!) and I couldn't now even if I wanted to because I'm taking the stupid Lupron to control my hormones. I want to get my debt under control but at the same time I want to buy new furniture, buy a new laptop (a Mac...expensive), and hell I just bought a new car! Oh and did I mention that I also want to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE. Even though four years ago I was over the moon about purchasing a townhome and becoming a new home owner, now all I can think about is how small and crowded this place has become. I want a house, specifically with a basement where I can set up a little gym. I'm too cheap to join a gym. Oh yeah that reminds me, I also want to lose the 8 pounds (and a whole lot more) of the 31 pounds I lost earlier this year. Hell, I'll never be satisfied with being overweight but why do I always want so damn much?!...sigh
I try to put things in perspective by telling myself that there are others who would love to have what I have and that I should be thankful, but it's hard when others seem to be happily living the life I want to have. I don't know why I'm always trying to keep up with the damn Joneses of the world. But no, even realizing that the grass is not always greener on the other side still doesn't stop me from always thinking, always stressing, always struggling to not want every damn thing (right now) and to just accept what I have and let the things come when they come.
I can't believe this shit is keeping me up at night! How fucking sad is that?! Ugh! I know one thing, some changes are definitely in order. I need some peace, satisfaction... and my beauty sleep. Nite!
posted by Charlie Mack's Granddaughter at Monday, September 11, 2006
2 Comments:
I hate reading this for several reasons, a) I can relate and b) I can feel your sadness. Sometimes you need someone to listen to you and other times, you need someone to advise you. I'm not in the position for the latter right now(LOL). Just know that you're not alone. Even the Beyonces of the world have issues. It's all relative and it's NOT selfish of you to feel some kind of way.
I don't think it's sad that you were reflective on your life. I think it's wonderful that you're questioning your moves because it shows you don't make decisions without being rational.
Now...your money...baby girl...get it right first and foremost. Do whatever you have to do...but get it right. Make SURE you have a nest egg in the making and that only YOU know about it. The grass may look greener on the other side but all these people with the latest and greatest are about to sink any day now. You don't wanna be there.
A boyfriend for 4 years? You need to think on that some more and follow your heart.
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